Tag Archives: love

Dueling Clouds

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130519 1 Dueling CloudsWe have had duels between dark and light clouds for several weeks.  The clashing weather systems remind me that I am seeing a lot of conflict.  There seems to be a disproportionate amount of cruelty.  I hear about it in conversations with my friends.  I read it on Facebook and see it in comments on news stories.

130519 2 Dueling Clouds

We read about teenage bullying.  Do we realize that bullying still goes on among adults?  Just today one of the most important people in my life was hurt by hateful remarks from people who should love him.  Separately, I learned about a very cruel lie that was told to a second person by people he should be able to trust.  Another person told me about some very hurtful things they are seeing.

130519 3 Dueling Clouds

Life is full of stress.  People get angry when they are stressed.  Opinions are polarized, whether the topic is the economy, politics, religion, homosexuality, or civil rights.

Can we have some common courtesy towards each other?  Can we show some basic kindness?   To borrow a line from an earlier post, it would be a boring song if the only note was Middle C.  Can we learn to appreciate our differences?

Designing Man – Part 3

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My guy called this evening to give me some wonderful news.  He was home.  I was so happy.  I was afraid he would have another all-nighter working at the Furniture Market.  The previous three days were all nighters.  He left work those days and went home just long enough to shower and get ready for new days of meetings, designing, placing, accessorizing, adapting, and changing manufacturers showrooms.

130417 PensiveThis was my first time experiencing this depth of the High Point Furniture  Market so my perspective might be off a little.  I think it has been a challenging market.  He worked for multiple manufacturers.  Their showrooms were in different buildings.  Each building had its own security and hours of operation.  That affected when and where he could work.  New products arrived through yesterday.  The manufacturers and buildings had differing levels of support staff and movers.  The whole process involved a huge amount of coördination.

Cake homage 2He called one evening to say my sisters had inspired some of his accessorizing.  He sent photos to see if I knew what he was talking about. I recognized immediately.  When my sisters were still at home they saw a birthday cake they wanted.  The only problem was they did not know anyone who had a birthday.  They still wanted the cake, though, so they bought it on the spur of the moment.  They had not thought about what the bakery shop should write on the cake and Cake homage 1stumbled a bit when asked who was having a birthday.  My first sister blurted out, “Pam,” the name of one of their friends.  Afterwards my second sister asked why she had not said, “Pamela,” so the cake would have more frosting.  They hid the cake under their bed so our parents would not see it (and so they would not have to share it with their little brothers).  My guy saw two cakes in the prop room and knew he had to use them in a children’s furniture display.  That was his “homage” to my sisters.  He did an homage to me by placing a lighthouse in another child’s furniture group.

I strained my back Tuesday morning.  I felt the worst jolt of pain I have experienced since the surgery.  A huge knot of nerves formed in my back.  It was very discouraging to me because I had to miss my writers group and the TPMC board meetings for the third month in a row.

130417 AnnoyedMy guy tried to cheer me up during one of our texting sessions with his offbeat humor.  The only problem was in my medicated state I did not understand at first what he was saying.  I sent him, “???.”  He replied with, “Catch up does a body good from your local Catsup board.”  I realized he was playing food word games so I replied, “You mustard heard about the new food pyramid.”  He sent this photo with his annoyed, “can’t you think of something better,” expression.  That made me smile :)

He has mentioned a few times receiving messages from my son and other mutual friends.  I pried a bit and realized that they have asked about my progress.  It is cyclical, with days that are very good followed by days that are very discouraging.  In a time when he is exhausted and totally worn out, and when many people would lash out in frustration and anger, he has shielded me from their concerns.

Tomorrow is the official Grand Opening of the Spring Furniture Market.  In reality some buyers come early while others arrive late.  My guy was pulled over to an area yesterday to finish it because a buyer who was interested in furniture in that area had arrived early.  My guy worked his magic.  The buyer was happy.  The manufacturer was happy, too.  My guy moved on to his next area.

People in the furniture industry recognize his talent.  One manufacturer shared a building with another furniture company.  My guy and the designer for the other company became acquainted.  An executive for that company arrived yesterday and walked through the showrooms of the two companies.  When she saw my guy she asked if he was the incredibly talented designer that her designer had talked about the past few weeks.  That made my guy happy.

He had a new client this market who had not previously worked with a professional designer.  The CEO arrived a couple of days earlier than scheduled to see how their showroom looked.  He loved what my guy did for their company.  My guy got some very nice compliments from that customer.

One of his associates and friends commented on another showroom saying, “I wonder if there’s anyone on the planet who could have stuffed as much exquisite product into such a smallish space without making it look stuffed . . .  It is a gorgeous miracle, really.”  He attended the sales presentations today.  The sales staffs in both meetings gave him standing ovations at the end of the meetings.  He was exhausted – had actually dozed off – but was so appreciative for their recognition.

I made to High Point a few times the past two weeks and dropped off food so he and the people working with him would have something to eat.  Pulling together furniture showrooms for the largest furniture trade show in the world shared some commonality with the large-scale data processing conversions of my former job.  There was no 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. schedule with two fifteen minute breaks and an hour for lunch.  My guy and his team appreciated the food.  I wish I could have done more.  He said I helped him with my thoughts and by giving him a chance to vent a couple of times.

I am not sure how much, if any, of his completed showrooms that I will be able to see over the next week of the Furniture Market.  I wish I could experience the full vibrance of 80,000 people being crammed into downtown High Point.  I need to take care of myself, though, just as I have kept encouraging my guy to take care of himself.  He means so much to me. I am so blessed to know this designing man.

This, That, and Love

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130330 #1 clouds and trees

I think I am my family’s official tree hugger.  Trees seem to grow anywhere in North Carolina.  Trees are one reason I wanted to move from Utah.  Don’t get me wrong.  Utah has trees along the base of the mountains and in some of the mountains, but it also has lots of blank spaces with no trees.

I also like white clouds and blue sky.  The above scene greeted me Saturday afternoon.  I decided to go for a photo drive.

130330 #2 Popcorn popping on the bradford pear tree

These blossoms were by the tennis courts of one of the city parks near downtown.  They reminded me of, “Popcorn popping on the apricot tree,” except these were Bradford Pears.

130330 #3 Bicentennial Park parking

This photo was shot in the parking lot for the downtown Bicentennial Park.  The park was developed as part of the bicentennial celebration in 1996 of the city of Asheboro.

After shooting these photos I climbed in my car to look at my camera roll.  The phone rang.  It was my guy.  He was calling from work.  After a quick chat we decided to meet in his town for dinner.

I arrived at his home before he did.  I walked around and took the photos below.

130330 #4 Pink Camilla130330 #5 Berries130330 #6 Pink Blossoms

My guy arrived as I was shooting the pink blossoms and sky in the above photo.  We went to one of his favorite restaurants.  It was my first time at this eatery.

I felt the best physically and most alert mentally Saturday afternoon that I have felt in a long time.  While sitting across from my guy I had this feeling that reminded me of our first date.  I told him what I was thinking and that made him smile.

We had a wonderful time talking, plus the food was delicious.  When I was getting ready to return home I told him that I loved that day’s “first date” and said I would love to have a second date with him.  He said he would love to go on a second date, too.

I did not feel as well on Sunday so he drove to my town to take me out to dinner.  It was a wonderful meal.  He was feeling a bit down.  I suggested that we wait until both of us felt better before calling it our ”second date.”  It was wonderful to be with him, though, and I wish we could have been together longer.

I went to his town today for the viewing of his aunt.  My back was not up to staying for the funeral or graveside service.  He was appreciative that I came to the viewing, which he did not expect me to do.  I was a bit sorry that I could not stay for the funeral, though I knew it was best to come home and rest.

I skimmed through Facebook while I rested and saw some anti-gay rants.  One post said that gay people do not know how to experience love.  I disagree.  My guy and I were in different moods each of the last three times we were together.  The one constant was that we were glad to be with each other. Love makes the happy times more joyful, the down times more livable, and the somber times more bearable.

My Son: Thanks + 30 Years of Notes

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My son flew home to Washington today.  I think he is on the ferry to the peninsula as I write.  I am so thankful that he flew to North Carolina to be with me.

He arrived a couple of days before my surgery.  He helped me to be calm as I prepared for the operation.  He stayed at the hospital the day of the surgery as long as he could before he had to leave to take care of my pets.  He cooked a lot of delicious meals and left me with food through the rest of this week, plus took care of a lot of clean up around my home that I have not been able to do due to pain.

I am so thankful for my son.  I love him.

I wrote the following post last year but I kept it to myself.  I published on my blog in January shortly before my son flew out for a post-Christmas visit.  It was published as a Guest Post on No More Strangers:  LGBT Mormon Forum on March 13, 2013.  I am republishing it along with the above thank you note in this post.  This version has the addition of age sixteen that he and I both felt should be included in my hypothetical notes to him.  It also has a few photos.

The post was prompted last year by two different posts. One was the actual letter of a father disowning his gay son. The other was the letter of a father-to-be to his hypothetical gay son.

These are not actual notes to my son. They give an accurate overview of our relationship. The incidents and pet counts are accurate. The ages are pretty close, but I may be off by a year in some cases.

Thirty Years of Notes to My Son

Age – 1 week

Dear Son,

I love you so much. I can’t believe you are here. After losing two babies during pregnancy, your mother and I feel so blessed to have you in our home.

You probably know that I did not spend much time around babies. That is what happens when you are the youngest child in the family. I was afraid babies would break. That is why holding you this morning was so beautiful and bonding for me. You fit in my arms. You fit against my body. You fit me. You are my son.

I thank your birth mother and father for letting you go to come to our home. People cannot believe how similar we look. We know the agency tried to match some physical characteristics of your birth parents with mom and my families, but even I am surprised that you look like me.

Babies change as they grow. It does not matter if you look like me in the future. Appearance does not create a bond. Holding you and looking into your eyes created the bond.

I don’t have any expectation of what I want you to be. I don’t know you well enough to give you suggestions on future hobbies, careers, likes, or dislikes. I want you to be you.

I will always try to be the best father that I can be. I love you, my son. I will always love you.

Love, Dad

P.S. We will keep the cats out of your crib. Please stay out of their litter box.

Age – almost 3 years

Dear Son,

It has been a while since I last wrote. I have been too busy learning how to be a dad, being with you in the hospital, watching you grow, enjoying every minute as you learn to eat and drink and walk and run. Mom and I really appreciate that you finally learned about potty training.

I am writing because I saw you do something today that I could never do. You were spread out on the floor in front of the television. I don’t recall which cartoon you were watching, but you drew the character free-handed, perfectly. I could never do that when I was young, nor can I do it today.

We have a great time being together whether it is at home or on vacation. I know you are excited about next year’s trip to Disneyland. Please let me know before we reach the rest area if you need to stop instead of two minutes after we have passed the rest area.

I think we will probably have different lives. I don’t think you would like the business world that I live in. I can’t replicate in my late twenties what you can draw before you even start school That is fine with me. I want you to be yourself.

I am trying to be the best father I can be. I love you, my son. I will always love you.

Love, Dad

P.S. Thank you for learning to not pull the tails of the two cats.

Age 6

Dear Son,

Congratulations on your two pet kittens. This has been a fun year with our trip to Disney World, the annual passes to the water park, and the new kitties.

Thanks for telling Mom and me what you would like if we adopt a little sister. We realize that you said to make it a boy. We don’t know what will happen, but we know you will be a great older brother if another child is able to join our family.

We love you. We are not trying to replace you. No one can take your place in our hearts.

Love, Dad

Barnaby in the Christmas Tree
P.S. The orange kitten really loves being with you. I think he will be a friend for a long time.

Age 9

Dear Son,

I love you. You probably don’t’ believe me. I know you are mad that I moved you and mom across the country. I hope someday that you will understand. Things change. Jobs change. Friends change. Most of your close friends from the old neighborhood already moved. The others will be gone by next year.

The past year or so has been very hard. It especially hurt when the last adoption fell through. We go in cycles. Sometimes we are happy. Sometimes we are sad.

I hope you know that I always love you. I hope you will meet and make new friends. I am glad that you let mom and me go with your class on the trip to the mountains. I hope we did not embarrass you too much. I guess we did not since you want us to go with your class to Williamsburg next year.

I am trying to be the best dad I can be. I love you, my son. I will always love you.

Love, Dad

P.S. Thank you for remembering to feed the cats and to change their litter. I am glad the orange one is such a good friend.

Age 12

Dear Son,

I can’t believe how much fun we have had lately. I feel so good when we are together. The cruise and the trips to Disney World were nice, but what made me the happiest was just being with you. Thanks for your patience since I needed to stop for twice as many rest areas as you needed.

It is so good to see how happy you are. I have one concern. Please do not compare your grades in middle school to the grades I received in high school. It took me a long time to learn how to be a good student in the academic sense. I never learned to be a good student in the artistic sense.

Let us know some of the things you would like to do so you can use your artistic talent when you are on your own. I don’t expect you to follow my business career. I hope you can do something with your art.

You are a wonderful son. I have loved you since the first day that I saw you. I am trying to be the best dad I can be. I love you, my son. I will always love you.

Love, Dad

P.S. Please remember to change the cat’s litter each day. The orange one gets especially vocal when the box does not meet his expectations.

Age 16

Dear Son,

Congratulations on passing the tests and earning your drivers’ license.  This is a milestone in the lives of most people.  I am both happy and sad.

I am happy because you are very responsible.  I do not worry about how you drive.

I am sad because I will no longer need to take you to Greensboro for clarinet lessons.  I have enjoyed our weekly trips the past three years.  They have guaranteed us time to be together each week.  You often talk more freely when we are riding to and from Greensboro.  I will miss that time together.

I am so proud of you.  Congratulations on being the First Chair in the clarinet section.  I love you and am so happy to be your dad.

Love, Dad

P.S.  Remember what I said a few years ago about the orange cat being real loud when his litter is not changed.  He is not getting any quieter.

Age 18

Dear Son,

Your mother loves you. I love you. Mom and I no longer love each other. I know you are afraid that some day we will not love you.

We are doing all we can do to not let our differences come between us and you. Yes, the relationships will be different, but we are committed to not put you in the middle. It’s hard. I never expected to be divorced.

I have learned that my primary personality type is solitary. Maybe this is for the best. I also learned that your primary personality type is idiosyncratic. You do not see the rules of the world the way that I see them. I will try to be more patient the next time you lose the truck registration form.

There is more I am still learning about myself. Even though I am learning about me, that does not in any way lessen my love for you. I am trying to be the best divorced dad I can be. I love you, my son. I love you.

Love, Dad

P.S. The cats miss you, especially the orange one. I miss you.

Age 19

Dear Son,

I love you. I told you that as soon as you told me your news. I told you again. I don’t know how many times I told you. I think you got the message.

It did not really surprise me. I’ve had an idea the past few years. I love you. I know gay people who are happy and have good lives. I want you to be happy and gay. I am glad that you thought I would be fine with your news.

I guess the most surprising thing was when I said your boyfriend could come by here at home. You said you are happy together. I want to know this person who makes you happy.

There is more I have to say, but it can wait for another day. I am trying to be the best dad I can be. I love you, my gay son. I love you.

Love, Dad

Back to the Archives - Jake @ 2007 Year End
P.S. I am glad that you like my new dog. Hopefully you will learn to like the three new cats. The orange one keeps them in line.

Age 20

Dear Son,

I told you there was more to say last year. I was not ready to tell you back then that I, too, am gay. Thank you for listening to my news. Thank you, also, for understanding why I have decided to not come out and why I have decided to stay single. Thank you, finally, for agreeing to keep this confidential.

Maybe I will change my mind some day. I doubt it. After all, I am solitary and you are idiosyncratic. I am not upset that you lost the truck registration form, again. I think it is kind of funny. Thank you for going ahead and paying for the duplicate registration.

I am trying to be the best in the closet gay dad that I can be. I love you, my son. I love you.

Love, Dad

P.S. Thanks for walking the dog and feeding and scooping the litter for the six cats. It does not seem like fourteen years have passed since the orange one joined the family.

Age 24

Dear Son,

This is the hardest letter I have ever written. I normally don’t criticize the clothes you wear, but you do not look good in an orange jail suit.

Driving you to the different counties where you had to go to resolve your offenses was pure hell. Our anger for each other was suffocating. For the first time in my life, I wondered why I had failed as your father.

The part that hurt the most was when you blasted into me about not living my authentic life while your life was better because it was authentic. I thought it was an interestingly infuriating contrast – you, having to depend on me to get you out of jail and drive you around to various counties – criticizing the life I was living. I may not be authentic in your opinion, but at least I have a damn drivers’ license.

But once I got over the anger, I had to concede that you have a valid point. I was angrier with myself that I was with you when I found out you were in jail. And as upset and angry as I am about the legal shit, I admire you for being who you are. I admire you for not being embarrassed that you are gay.

Please be patient with me. I will be more patient with you. I’ll stop swearing. I’ve sworn more in the past two weeks than I have in the previous twenty years. I am sorry.

You have to pay for the consequences of your mistakes. But you are still my son. I will always be there for you. I am trying to be the best dad I can be. I love you, my son. I love you.

Love, Dad

Sadie - 50% of my Son's Dogs
P.S. It has been a hard year since the orange tabby died. Our other pets have helped fill the void. I think your dog is great. She is cute, even if my dog and six cats do not like her. I am sorry that my deaf cat scared your Pit Bull and cornered her in the basement.
Archives - Cotton Sees You...

Age 28

Dear Son,

It was so good to be with you. It was so good to bring you home from the hospital. I have not been that scared for you since you were six months old and had to be hospitalized the evening before the court hearing to legalize you adoption.

There were so many similarities between then and now. Both times the doctors knew part of what was wrong, but something important was missing. Both times you were admitted, released, and re-admitted. Both times it tore at my heart to see all the tubes going in your body. Finally, it exhausted me to see how many times they thought they had the answer, only to find out they were wrong.

You are right. You were a more pleasant patient when you were six months old. If you knew how to swear at that age, at least I did not understand what you were saying.

I hope you will forgive me for intervening and forcing the issue about the doctors on the two teams not talking with each other. Things improved once the nurse realized what was going on. You were very angry with me, but I could not sit back any longer with doctors on two teams who were taking conflicting and contradictory approaches.

I think you have forgiven me. At least that is how I felt when we returned to your apartment after my last dinner with you. I don’t recall you ever giving such heartfelt thanks. You said you would never be able to make it up to me. I cried on my way back to the hotel.

We have been through so much together. Much of it has been wonderful, and some of it has been substantially less than wonderful. I don’t always understand you. You don’t always understand me. But I feel that we have always loved each other.

I am still your dad. I am trying to be the best dad I can be. I love you, my son. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Love, Dad

Sadie & Gayla
P.S. You were right that I would not get mugged when I walked the dogs through the alley after midnight. A Pit Bull and a Newfoundland are effective deterrents, even if they are as sweet as can be. My two dogs and six cats were happy for me to get back home.

Age 29

Dear Son,

Four months ago you told me you could never make it up to me. You were wrong. I needed you last week after grandma died. Thank you for being there with me.

Your remarks were wonderful. I know you were scared. You probably are the first gay tattoo artist with a pierced nose who has spoken at a funeral in that ward. The bishop knew you loved your grandma and she loved you. He liked what you said.

I love you, my son. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Love, Dad

P.S. The third dog did not work out. I found him a great home. Two dogs and six cats are enough.

Age 30

Dear Son,

I love you. Have I told you that before? I think I have. I will say it again. I love you.

Thank you for understanding that people change their minds. Thank you for accepting that I finally decided to come out. Thank you for wishing me well on my search for a partner.

Thanks for answering my questions. I am trying to figure out what it means to live as an out gay man. It is a different world that I do not understand. This role reversal is strange, you being the teacher and me being the student.

You are an example to me. You are a good person. You are a loving person. It is nice to have someone to look to as a good example, especially when he is my son.

I loved being with you in your new place on the peninsula. You scared me several times as you talked about responsibility, yard care, and budgeting. It is strange for me to see you becoming me. I hope it won’t be too weird for you to see me becoming you.

We are more alike than I ever realized. I thought I lost the new registration card for my car. I found it two days before the sticker expired. I have not changed that much.

I am still trying to be the best dad I can be. I love you, my son. I have always loved you. I will always love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Love, Dad

P.S. I am glad your new Labrador puppy came while I was there. It was fun to watch her play and hold her own with her two older sisters. I don’t understand why you have so many pets. My five cats and two dogs were happy to see me come home.

Bridges

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(The third day after surgery is often hard since the meds from the hospital tend to wear off.  I am okay as far as pain goes.  I am having a more difficult time emotionally.  It bugs me that I am essentially disabled another six weeks since I am on bending and lifting restrictions.  I know I have to follow the restrictions.  It just bothered me today.  Here is one of my posts from last summer.)

I love bridges.  I marvel at the engineering behind their construction.  I don’t have an engineering mind.  I can read about their physics and the logistics, but that does not make me think I could design or build a bridge.

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The Blue Ridge Parkway has two of my favorite bridges.

Five Favorites from the Blue Ridge Parkway - NC - The Linn Cove Viaduct

I love how the Linn Cove Viaduct seems to float over the base of Grandfather Mountain.

NC - Sunrise UNDER the Blue Ridge Parkway...

I love how the bridge over Highway 421 south of Boone frames the scenes beyond the bridge.

I cross at least one bridge almost every day. It does not have the beauty of the Linn Cove Viaduct or the Blue Ridge Parkway Highway 421 Bridge, but it is functional. I could not make it to or from town without that bridge.

My favorite bridges are those that cross over water, especially large bodies of water. Two of the most beautiful are cable span bridges.

GA - Savannah Sunset

The Eugene Talmadge Memorial Bridge crosses the Savannah River from South Carolina into Georgia.

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The Arthur Ravenel Bridge crosses the Cooper River into Charleston.

SC - Beaufort - The Swing Bridge

This Swing Bridge in Beaufort, South Carolina, is one of the most unusual bridges to see in action.

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The bridge in the background of this photo crosses Skull Creek and takes me to one of my favorite places – Hilton Head Island.

With its hills, valleys, rivers, and sounds, it is almost impossible to drive twenty miles anywhere in North Carolina without crossing a bridge. Given my love for coastal North Carolina, most of those drives take me across multiple bridges en route to my destination.

In the Wilmington area, there are several opportunities to cross the Cape Fear River.

NC - Wilmington

The Cape Fear Memorial Bridge has a love/hate relationship with motorists. It is one of the busiest bridges. Careless drivers shut down this bridge on a regular basis when they wreck. The Snow’s Cut Bridge to Carolina Beach is one that I have crossed over one hundred times. A few years ago on a rainy Christmas eve, a soon-to-be engaged man lost control of his truck and plummeted to his death in the Intercostal Waterway below. The engagement ring was recovered from his truck.

I don’t dwell on those accidents, but crossing a bridge requires several acts of faith. There is faith in the original design and construction of the bridge. There is faith in its continued maintenance and structural integrity.

NC - Bridges to the Outer Banks

That faith was tested one summer while crossing the Lindsey C. Warren Bridge over the Alligator River. I was about two miles over the river when this stop light greeted me. I felt the bridge swaying in the strong river currents those fifteen minutes while I waited for the light to turn green. When I finally drove past the short section that was being repaired, I was thankful for those workers and especially grateful that I was not one of them suspended over the river.

The next long bridge on that trip is my favorite – the five-mile long Virginia Dare Memorial Bridge.

NC - Sunrise from the Virginia Dare Memorial Bridge #1

I feel like I am ready to take flight as I enter the west end of this bridge.

NC - Sunrise from the Virginia Dare Memorial Bridge #2

The seagulls often fly along side, reminding me of who is really in flight.

NC - Sunrise from the Virginia Dare Memorial Bridge #3

The anticipation builds as I approach and finally cross the crest of this bridge.

NC - Sunrise from the Virginia Dare Memorial Bridge #4

Each descent reminds me that I am closer to my goal – Roanoke Island and the Outer Banks beyond.

There are smaller bridges once I reach Roanoke Island.

From the Archives - The Bridge to Roanoke Festival Park in Manteo

They remind me that small things often lead to great treasures.

The drive from Roanoke Island takes me to my second most favorite bridge – the Herbert C. Bonner Bridge over the Oregon Inlet that leads to Hatteras Island.

No Title/Location Necessary...

Ironically, this is one of the most structurally unsound bridges in North Carolina.

NC - Looking North from the Catwalk of the Herbert C Bonner Bridge

Originally built to last thirty years, it is close to doubling its effective life. On a scale from one to one hundred, its safety rating as been as low as a two.

NC - Exiting the Bonner Bridge on the South End at Pea Island, which has merged with Hatteras Island

It is so significant to life, tourism, and economic development that North Carolina spends millions of dollars each year stretching the life of this bridge while plans for its replacement plod slowly along.

My sister called me last year to say that she and her husband planned to visit North Carolina. I looked forward to being their tour guide. I imagined time at the coast, where they would see a life that is foreign to their life in central Utah. My sister knows me well and that is when she shared something I did not know – she has a huge fear of bridges, especially those that cross over water.  We needed to stay away from the coast.

I was disappointed.

Another Cape Hatteras Lighthouse Sunrise

I had hoped to share the beauty of the Carolina coast and the majesty of its tall lighthouses..

NC - Harkers Island - The Core Sound Waterfowl Museum and Heritage Center

I wanted her to experience the lives of these people.

NC - Wright Brothers Memorial

I wanted her to live the history of these islands. But I knew and loved my sister enough that I needed to respect her request, and so we stayed inland, hundreds of miles from the coast.

We had to cross some bridges during our tour of central and western North Carolina.  But my sister had faith, took a deep breath, and closed her eyes when necessary.

There was one bridge that she wanted to see and wanted to cross – the historic Pisgah Covered Bridge that is just a few miles from my home.

Wooden Structures and Fall Colors - Pisgah Covered Bridge

My sister reciprocated that respect and love when I came out to her earlier this year. It was news that she did not expect, yet she had confidence that I was on the path that I felt was right for me.  She trusts me to cross the bridges as I move forward in my life.

We cross bridges every day, physically as we travel and metaphorically in our minds. I love both kinds of bridges. They take faith to cross, especially when we do not see the end.

Home from the Hospital – Happy and Thankful

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Let’s see if I can write some semi-coherent thoughts in my still heavily medicated state of mind.  I am really happy with how the surgery went.  My body is coming back from the anesthesia.  I handled walking well at the hospital and at home.

1303 Chicken salad with tortilla shellsIt is really great having my son here with me. He is a wonderful cook.  I use to cook a long time ago, but I have not cooked much for ten years.  It is nice visiting with him.  I am concerned that he will get bored since I live out in the country.  He said this is a good time for him to have some slower time to himself.

He has been on the go constantly since arriving late Tuesday.  He has not slept well, either.  It is nice to have the surgery behind me.  I hope he can sleep better.  He is concerned about my eating and (like my doctor) wants me to lose some weight.

The pain before surgery has been constant for four months and especially bad the past two months.  The surgeon removed three disc fragments that were sitting on the nerve.  The nerve was pressed into a cavity of the disc and the doctor said it was difficult getting the nerve unstuck from the disc.  He felt very good once that was accomplished.

The hospital staff was nice.  I did not have any problems from the staff about having my guy with me.  I am so thankful that we are in each other’s lives.  I appreciate my former wife coming over and that she and my guy met each other.  We had a good conversation among the four of us, with me fading in and out some due to the meds.

Almost every nurse said something about my height.  I am tall and that presents some challenges.  I am not supposed to be bending, twisting, turning, stooping, or lifting anything heavier than ten pounds.  I am trying to be a good patient.  I do not want to repeat this surgery.

I received an outpouring of love that really surprised me.  I am accustomed to being on my own.  It is very hard for me to ask for or accept help.  I am so appreciative of the care and concern from so many people.

I am wearing out so I will stop typing.  Thanks again for your thoughts, well wishes, prayers, and concerns.  I do feel blessed.

 

Happy Pre-Birthday

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I am stuck mostly at home until I have surgery next week to repair a ruptured disc.  I am on ever-increasing doses and types of medications to make the pain at least bearable.  I am not able to drive when I am on some of the meds, so I have to rely on other people for many of the day-to-day chores.

My guy is busily working on pre-market with his customers.  We have a twice a year furniture market that attracts buyers from all over the world.  Some manufacturers have a pre-market for their buyers.  Two of my guy’s clients have him working on pre-market.  He does not have a schedule.  It is work till the job is finished.

His birthday is coming up.  We had no idea when we could celebrate due to the combination of my back problems and his work schedule.  Some things that were supposed to be ready for him this afternoon were not ready.  That gave him an unexpected window of opportunity.  He called to see if I wanted him to come over to help with my trash run and do the grocery shopping.

I knew a few days ago when I was given the most recent prescription that I would not be able to 2013 March Birthday Carddrive once I started taking that med.  I found a nice birthday card (that a guy could give another guy) at the Hallmark store.  I mostly bombed out on finding things that I thought he would enjoy as gifts but came up with something I thought he would like.

He has been real worried about me.  I have been real worried about him.  Most of our recent conversations have been serious.  It is not anger, but they have not been as light-hearted as when we first met.

When we left to do the trash and recycling run I held up the card and said I had something for him.  He was surprised.  I said that I hoped to take him for a pre-birthday dinner once we finished the chores.  He said that would be nice as long as I was up to going to a restaurant.  After the trash run I held up the card and smiled.  He said, “You’re not giving it to me here at the trash center,” and we laughed.

2013 March Happy BirthdayWe went to the grocery store.  He chose a cake.  I thought it looked nice.  He was concerned that I was getting worn out.  I said I would still like to take him to dinner, so off we went to one of our local restaurants.

Once we were seated we both looked at each other and let out a sigh  It was the first time in several days that we had been together and could relax.  I gave him the card.  He read it and had a hard time holding back the tears.

We are both very independent.  We do not accept help easily.  I am trying to be a good patient, but he knows that being essentially disabled really grates on me.  He is not accustomed to people doing things for him.  He is the one who always does things for others.  It meant a lot to him that I had tried to pull something together for his birthday considering how much pain I have been in the past few months.

For an hour at a restaurant we got to forget the cares of the world.  He ordered what he wanted and had some nice food to take home.  I got to see him smile.  It was just so nice to be together.

I was wearing out by the time we finished eating.  He brought me home and unloaded the groceries.  I took my latest round of medications.  I am back in zombie-land.  We spoke a while ago.  He thanked me again for the wonderful pre-birthday celebration.  I could not plan due to our current situation.  Things worked out better than I ever could have anticipated.

I love my guy.  Happy Pre-birthday to my love.  I look forward to many more birthdays together.

Valentine’s and the Day After

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Valentine’s Day was wonderful but unusual.  I had a steroid injection to see if it will ease the pain from a herniated disc.  My guy took me to the appointment.  The doctor and staff were very nice and welcoming towards us.  The pre-instructions said to not eat till four hours after the shots, but they said I did not need to wait so we had an unexpected Valentine’s dinner.

2013 Valentine dinner

I love my guy.  I love being with him.  He is very patient and caring with my back problems.  For now the doctor has me on lots of medications and that limits the time my guy and I have together.  Yesterday’s dinner was such a nice surprise.

 

 

 

Other Voices – Love and Marriage

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Today’s post is told mostly by other voices. The first voice is that of Carol Lynn Pearson.  She is the Mormon author who wrote Goodbye, I Love You, her memoir of life with her gay ex-husband who she cared for when he contracted AIDS.  I consider her the first Mormon LGBT ally.

She is a contributor to No More Strangers:  LGBT Mormon Forum.  Her post today is titled A Valentine to My Gay and Lesbian Friends – Welcome to the World of Romantic Love!  I hope you will read the entire article.  She talks about the differences between her late husband’s time and today.  Here is an excerpt:

“You came here to be the hero in your own love story. Not the hero in your own sex story. You have an opportunity so much larger than being able to have sex with the person of your choice. You have the stunning opportunity to fall in love and create a lasting relationship with the person of your choice. That, you know, is something that frightens those who would rather keep you in the closet, even keep you in the bars and the alleyways–-that you will actually fall in love and create lasting joy with your friend/lover/husband/wife.  Marry? When Gerald was dying nearly thirty years ago, that thought was unthinkable. And now state after state is allowing gay marriage. Do you appreciate what a privileged time you live in?”

The remaining voices come from the Campaign for Southern Equality.  It is a video from their ”We Do” campaign. Same-sex couples in southern states apply for marriage licenses, knowing they will be denied, to emphasize the inequality of state and federal laws. The county officials are notified ahead of time and the conversations have been respectful.

What surprised me was that I got emotional.  I cried after the couple left the office without a marriage license even though I knew what the outcome would be and, personally, questioned the value of exercise before watching the video.

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day.  It will be the first time in over a decade that I have been in love – romantic love.  I hope that if our love continues to grow that some day we can be married.  Today’s other voices are personal to me.

Best Friend?

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My guy had two holiday trips scheduled before we met that he told me about on our first date.  Both trips had a work connection.  He was in Europe over Thanksgiving.  He was in California over Christmas and New Years.

I am accustomed to celebrating holidays on days other than the real holiday.  December 25 is just a day on the calendar.  I have celebrated lots of Christmases before and after that date.  I understood how important the business connections were, especially in this economy and in his line of work.  I was fine knowing that we would not be together on those holidays.

I scheduled a trip to Hilton Head before we met.  It is this week.  I invited him to join me when I saw how much we were in love with each other.  I figured that would make up for being away from each other on the holidays.

We are still planning to go, but some things came up yesterday that might change his plans.  One is that his dog got sick while he was in California.  The other is that the family of his best friend was informed that the guy’s father is expected to die soon.  The best friend has a bad relationship with his father.

The best friend relies and dumps a lot on my guy.  Sometimes their relationship is like two friends.  Sometimes it is like the relationship between two brothers.  There are times when it is more like a parent/spoiled child relationship.  My guy is trying to understand the relationship between my son and me, so that complicates things.

I understand trying to help people, but I think this best friend takes it to the extreme.  The friend’s relationship with his partner has its problems.  The friend has said and done some things that make me feel like he is jealous of the relationship between my guy and me.

I am trying to be understanding.  At the same time, several people who knew me when I was married said I was too considerate and deferential.  I became so adept at putting my needs on the back-burner, while being understanding about my former wife’s family and work issues, that it became easy for me to be #4 or #5 on my former wife’s priority list.

I feel like I am #4 now, behind my guy’s best friend, his singing, and his dog.  I love being with him when he is singing and I love his dog.  I’m not willing to be #2 behind the best friend.  I’ve brought the subject up.  I hope we can work it through.

My sister told a few years ago that the next time I fall in love it should be with someone who is as in love with me as I am with them.  I think I have found that when it is just the two of us or when we are with his family and friends from church.  We lose that connection once the best friend comes in the picture.