Tag Archives: Coming Out

Regrets?

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130507 1 trees in corner

Certain times and places are more conducive for thinking.  At home it is when I sit out back and look over to this corner of my yard.  It is my favorite focal point.  Yesterday (before the BAD storm hit) was my first chance recently to sit outside, look over at the corner, and think.

I thought of a question that was recently posed to some older people on Facebook:  Did they have any regrets?  My thoughts wandered to another question I was asked a few weeks ago:  Did I regret not coming out earlier?

A risk in answering either question is that life’s experiences get added to the evaluation.  If I could be twenty or twenty-five but have the knowledge from experiences in the rest of my life I might be tempted to wish I could re-live my life.  As it stands, I do not regret the decisions I made at twenty, twenty-five, thirty, thirty-five, and forty based on what I knew at those ages.  I also do not regret the decision around age forty-five to divorce.

I thought about the timing of my coming out.  Ten years ago I felt I made the right decision to stay in the closet.  I wondered if that decision was wrong considering how many people who knew me figured out I was gay before I came out.  I thought about the turmoil I felt the past year.  I decided that while I do not want re-live those months that I handled coming out fairly well.

One of the main reasons I do not regret when I came out is that I met Gregory.  I doubt we would have met sooner if I had come out earlier.  It is six months later and we are still in love :)

I thought about other parts of my life.  I wished some things were different, especially that I did not have these health problems, but I realized my situation is not as bad compared to what other people have in their lives.

After staring at the trees on this side of my yard I looked to the other side.  This is what I saw.

130507 2 trees clouds sky

It, too, was a nice view.  I don’t have regrets.

 

Coming Out – Jason Collins and Me

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“I’m a 34-year-old NBA center. I’m black. And I’m gay.”

Obviously that is not me talking.  It is NBA center Jason Collins in this first-person Sports Illustrated story titled Why NBA Center Jason Collins is Coming Out Now.  Here are a few excerpts in italics from the article interspersed with some of my thoughts:

“I didn’t set out to be the first openly gay athlete playing in a major American  team sport. But since I am, I’m happy to start the conversation. I wish I wasn’t  the kid in the classroom raising his hand and saying, “I’m different.” If I had  my way, someone else would have already done this. Nobody has, which is why I’m  raising my hand.”

I live in a “don’t ask, don’t tell” community.  I grew up in a “don’t ask, don’t tell” community, too.  I would rather live in a world where people do not have to come out as gay just like they currently do not have to come out as straight, but that does not describe today’s environment.  One of my favorite bloggers, Kiley, has the following quote that explains what coming out means:

“Coming out of the closet is really about becoming yourself and being confident and secure in who you are.  Coming out is about dropping facades.”

In my case, coming out means I no longer feel like I have to apologize for who I am.

“The first relative I came out to was my aunt Teri, a superior court judge in San  Francisco. Her reaction surprised me. “I’ve known you were gay for years,” she  said. From that moment on I was comfortable in my own skin. In her presence I  ignored my censor button for the first time. She gave me support. The relief I  felt was a sweet release. Imagine you’re in the oven, baking. Some of us know  and accept our sexuality right away and some need more time to cook. I should  know — I baked for 33 years.”

I “baked” longer than most people.  To date, I have not met anyone who was older than me when they finally realized they were gay.  I only know one person who was older than me when he came out to his family.

Collins twin brother had no idea that Jason was gay.  His family’s reaction was similar to mine, with some knowing for a long time that I am gay while others were shocked.

There is a sense of relief in coming out.  It creates some complications, but I think the positives outweigh the negatives.

“I’m from a close-knit family. My parents instilled Christian values in me. They  taught Sunday school, and I enjoyed lending a hand. I take the teachings of  Jesus seriously, particularly the ones that touch on tolerance and  understanding. On family trips, my parents made a point to expose us to new  things, religious and cultural. In Utah, we visited the Mormon Salt Lake Temple.  In Atlanta, the house of Martin Luther King Jr. That early exposure to otherness  made me the guy who accepts everyone unconditionally.”

The most significant experience of my Mormon childhood was moving to Ohio when I was five.  It was the first time I was a religious minority.  I learned what it was like to be different.  I think that experience, combined with my father’s exposure to lots of people from different backgrounds, my mother’s kind heart, plus my mission experiences of living in heavily unionized Michigan followed by thirteen months in Brazil, taught me to love unconditionally.

“I’m learning to embrace the puzzle that is me. After I was traded by the Celtics  to Washington in February, I took a detour to the Dr. King memorial. I was  inspired and humbled. I celebrate being an African-American and the hardships of  the past that still resonate today. But I don’t let my race define me any more  than I want my sexual orientation to. I don’t want to be labeled, and I can’t  let someone else’s label define me.”

I am still learning who I am.  My post the other day about my teenage lack of dating experience touched on that a bit.  The early readers of my blog saw a lot of entries about my learning process.

My fundamental personality traits have not changed.  I have more of an understanding on how my background and experiences, especially in the Mormon church, have both helped and harmed me.  Understanding what was damaging is helping me as I move forward.  I hope I am always moving forward because there is still a lot of self-doubt to overcome.

“The strain of hiding my sexuality became almost unbearable in March, when the  U.S. Supreme Court heard arguments for and against same-sex marriage. Less than  three miles from my apartment, nine jurists argued about my happiness  and my future. Here was my chance to be heard, and I couldn’t say a  thing. I didn’t want to answer questions and draw attention to myself. Not while  I was still playing.”

I felt the same way a year ago, except it was about  North Carolina’s Amendment One.  What really hit me in the gut was a Facebook post from a straight former co-worker that explained why she voted against the amendment.  I wished I could have made a similar statement last spring.

I made my statement last month in the post titled I Wore Red Today.  I did not expect everyone to agree and know the majority of my family and friends disagreed with me, but I think that I made my statement with courtesy.  I did not expect much, but learned that it was picked up with positive response in three other blog reviews.  That made me happy.

“Openness may not completely disarm prejudice, but it’s a good place to start. It  all comes down to education. I’ll sit down with any player who’s uneasy about my  coming out. Being gay is not a choice. This is the tough road and at times the  lonely road.”

I hope my blog is doing some educating.  A few people told me I was the first gay person who they had worked with or been around.  One said that she had to re-think what she thought she knew about gay people because what her church taught did not match what she knew about me.

I did not plan to write a new blog post this evening.  I felt okay – just tired from what for me was a busy morning.  These medications, combined with month of back pain, have completely thrown off my sleep routine.  I needed to get up earlier today, though, for a re-scheduled dentist appointment.

I did this shout out to my dentists, their staff, and extended family a few weeks ago.  I made a generic reference to the families’ kindness.  Here is an incident that is more specific.

I felt a lot of support and acceptance last May and June when I first came out.  That support wavered in the following months.  It hit a very low point in September and October when some people made it clear that we no longer had the same relationship.  Against that backdrop I left home for a day trip along the Blue Ridge Parkway.

2012 BRP 3The drive was mostly a scenic photography bust until I saw a small section of the creek in the Julian Price Park.  I wrote about it in this post.  Once I found this beautiful spot I decided it was time to grab a quick bite to eat and return home before it got too late.

I had almost finished eating at a restaurant in Boone, the home of Appalachian State University, when I saw the uncle and cousin of my dentist being seated a few booths away from me.  They are some of my favorite people, but I was almost afraid to greet them after seeing and feeling so many people pull away during the previous weeks.

They did not see me.  It would have been easy to pay and leave without them seeing me.  I got up to return home, debated with myself for a few seconds, and decided to stop at their booth on my way out of the restaurant.

They were happy to see me and greeted me just like they have always greeted me in the twenty plus years since I moved to central North Carolina.  I actually cried when I got out to my car.  It was the first I felt accepted by some long-time friends at a time when most of what I experienced was silent, slow rejection.

A few days later I stopped by the office of the wife and mom of my friends and told her how much that three-minute chat in the restaurant meant to me.  I choked up again as I thanked her and asked her to share my appreciation to her husband and son.

“I’ve been asked how other players will respond to my announcement. The simple  answer is, I have no idea. I’m a pragmatist. I hope for the best, but plan for  the worst.”

The immediate reaction to Jason Collins coming out is positive.  I think he is wise enough to know that the first acceptance will most likely wane.  When that happens I hope he will have people, like my former co-worker who wrote the Amendment One post and my dentists and their families, who will stand with him.

A Year Ago Today …

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Around 11:30 p.m. on March 30, 2012 a voice spoke in my mind that told me I should have a partner and my partner should be a man.  I did not know why I heard that voice.  I had decided years earlier to stay in the closet.  I had no intention of coming out, dating, or of having a partner.

This post is about my journey.  It is mostly drawn from things I have written the past year.

The Premonition

The most traumatic experience I had since my divorce came in the form of a premonition late one March evening. I had premonitions a few times before – those times when a thought came totally unexpectedly and unplanned to my mind. Each time I followed those earlier premonitions. Each time the decision was right.

I have five cats.  Each evening I sit on the floor of my room and give the cats some attention.  As I stroked the back of a black and white former feral while a deaf white long hair rubbed his chin against my other hand, the following spoke clearly and forcefully to my mind:

“Dean, you should have a partner, a companion, and it should be a man.”

I gasped and I felt my heart drop. I spoke out loud and said, “No, God. Don’t make me do this.”

The voice came back and said, “Dean, you are not supposed to be alone. You should have a partner. It should be a man.” That was followed by two more directives: “You need to come out as gay. You need to formally resign from the church.”

I begged again, “Please God, don’t make me do this. I can’t do this.” The voice did not come back again. The messages were delivered.

Excerpts from a Post Coming Out to Family and Friends

Reaching the age of eight meant two things to my siblings and me:  we were baptized into our church and we started piano lessons.  I wanted to take piano lessons when I was six but was told that was too young.  By the time I turned eight, I no longer wanted to learn how to play the piano.  I did not have a choice, though, and the lessons began.

The starting point of my piano career was the note Middle C.  My brother taught me the location of Middle C on the piano keyboard before my first lesson.  I even knew a little about sharps and flats, but did not understand why some notes could be both.

I muddled through piano lessons and made it to the end of the school year when we had our recital.  I have the recital program in a scrapbook with a handwritten heading of “1964 – First Piano Recital.”   My tenure as a pianist was short.   The heading on the next page of the scrapbook is, “1965 – Last Piano Recital.”

I developed a love of music, though, ranging from classical to movie soundtracks to rock and roll.  While talking with a friend one day about music, he said, “It would be a boring song if the only note was Middle C.”

I used that analogy over the years to describe life and where I fit in the world.  Middle C suits the universe, thoughts, and ideals of many people.  I realized while I often live close to the Middle C world that it does not fit me.  I seemed to be more of a B Flat.   It took a long time to finally recognize why I felt different.  I was and am gay.

Matchbox Twenty is one of my favorite groups.  They have a song titled, “Back 2 Good.”  The story behind the song is not applicable to me, but the phrase “back to good” resonated when I went through my divorce.  I wondered if life would get back to good.  It took a while, but the time did arrive.  Good is where my life has been most of the past ten years.

The gay realization did not come until counseling after the divorce.  I met a man, dated for a few weeks, and realized that was where I wanted to be even after he decided to stop dating.  I met two other guys but was not interested in dating them.

The counseling also taught me that my primary personality type was solitary.  I did not need a lot of interaction with other people to feel fulfilled.  I decided to stop dating, remain celibate, and in the closet.

My work kept me busy enough to keep my mind off of having a companion, plus I enjoyed being on my own those first few years.  I got involved in pet rescue.  The solitary life began losing its appeal a few years after the divorce.  There were several  attempts to set up straight relationships due to my religious heritage.  Some were ended by the woman and some by me.  I decided to take another break on trying to find a companion.

Two things converged together recently that made me decide it is time to move forward.  One was becoming involved in the fight for marriage equality.  That was triggered by the now approved amendment to the North Carolina state constitution which says the only legally recognized relationship is a marriage between a man and a woman.  The amendment was promoted by churches.  I felt the churches were violating the separation of church and state by forcing their doctrine onto the LGBTQ community.

The second was the realization that as good as my life is, it is lacking because I do not have a meaningful relationship with another person as part of a couple.  I can’t ignore or deny that anymore.  I need someone in my life, and I need that someone to be a man.

If this is news to you, I hope that we will still be friends.  The note B Flat is not a bad note, but I don’t want the rest of my life to be flat, and that is where it is without a companion.

Resigning from the Church

I had thought writing the resignation letter to the church would be easy, but I found I could not write the letter. My mother had told me the story of her faith in a promise in her Patriarchal Blessing that led to my birth. I was indifferent to the church, but not indifferent to the pain that I thought my Mother would feel with my resignation. I wrote about an experience here that confirmed for me that my parents still loved me, but I could not write the letter.

There was a lull in my journey. I took a scheduled trip to Utah. It was great to see family and friends and visit new and favorite sites. I told the one sibling who I had come out to years earlier that I would be coming out and looking for a partner, but I did not tell any other people. I was not ready to talk to most people. I still had to figure out why it took me so long to realize I was gay.

I had one regret about the timing of the Utah trip. A Mormon Stories “Circling the Wagons” conference was held in Washington D. C. while I was out west. I found videos from a 2011 conference in Salt Lake and started watching those videos. A comment from Carol Lynn Pearson did not answer why it took me so long, but I realized coming out now was a blessing compared to what I would have experienced if I had recognized I was gay and come out in the 1970s or 1980s.

I felt I was moving along in a mostly forward direction, but I still could not bring myself to write my resignation letter to the church. I had a short phone call with a friend that helped me realize that my resignation would share a parallel with my divorce. I did not want my marriage to end, but I knew it was the right decision. I did not want to resign even though I was inactive, but I knew resigning was the right decision.

In the midst of coming out I saw that Mormon Stories posted three Benji Schwimmer videos. I had not watch television for years. I had no idea who he was but read he was a dancer. I could not figure out what I would learn from a dancer, but I saw a comment that said his coming out story was powerful. I decided to watch the third video first since the caption said it talked about his coming out. Part way into the interview but well before he talked about his decision to resign from the church, I felt a calm, peaceful confirmation. It was time to write the letter. I wrote it when the video ended and mailed it that afternoon.

Let God Be My Judge – Depression and Suicide

I never wanted to kill myself until August 2, 2012. That was the day I saw the photos on the front page of my local newspaper and read the story. The photos showed throngs of people waiting to eat at the two local Chick-fil-A restaurants. Most were not there for the waffle fries. They wanted to send a message. Over 1,000 orders were placed by around noon. That is five percent of the population of my city – at two restaurants.

It hurt to think that so many people conceptually hate me. It does not make any sense when I think about the acceptance I have received as I have come out. Lots of people say I am nice. They say I have an odd-ball sense of humor. They like my limited social satire. They like my photos. They like my writings They say they like me.

I don’t know how many mornings since concluding I was gay that I woke up and wished I was dead. It is over 1,000. It is less than 3,000. It is a strange thought, but that is how someone thinks when they are told their entire life that being gay is an abomination. I wanted passively to die lots of days. Only one day did I want to do something about it.

Why I Write

I sat down the other week and started writing my story. I felt it was time. I did not know how long it would take, and it is a lot longer than I expected it to be. I had four reasons for writing this series:

  • It helped me understand the role that a few significant events during my teens had on delaying my realization that I was gay.
  • I think the stories of ordinary people can help other people with their own stories. My story is a niche story that most people will not relate to, but there may be parts of the story that can help other people as they decide how to live their lives. I doubt Seth Anderson, Michael Ferguson, or Benji Schwimmer thought something they said or wrote would help an older person, but they played key roles in helping me understand my story. Carol Lynn Pearson has a unique story, but she has helped thousands of people even though their stories were different.
  • I found next to nothing to help the older person, like me, who is coming out or dealing with being gay. People who are in their mid or late life are still committing suicide because of unsound ideas taught by churches and society that gay is a verb – a decision or action. Gay people need support at all stages of life. I hope my story raises that awareness.
  • A lot of the religious background of my story applies to other religions that have similar teachings about and against gays as the Mormon church.

Meeting and Dating My Guy (November 16, 2012) 

I reluctantly joined an Internet dating site on the recommendation of a friend. That was a week ago Sunday evening. On Monday (November 5) I saw that I knew one of my matches. We met a few months ago through a gay mens’ chorus. He is very stylish and sophisticated, but he is also genuinely kind and great to talk with. I figured, though, he would have no interest in dating a t-shirt and jeans or shorts “slob” like me.

I needed most of the day to build up enough courage to contact him. I messaged him through the dating site. I was disappointed when I did not have a response the next morning.

I saw him that evening at a rehearsal. He asked if I had read his response. I had not seen it, but he said he would love to date me. My heart jumped :) We spoke more the next day and set a date for the following evening. We chose a quiet, gay-friendly restaurant where we could hold hands across the table. We had a wonderful time.

1112We have seen each other at least once each day for nine days. He is now on his way to Europe, a trip that was previously scheduled. The trip is good. We’ve had a lot of time together for the introduction. This give us time to reflect. It lets us see how we feel.

I know how I feel. I miss him. I know how he feels. He misses me. We texted and spoke throughout the afternoon. I love him. He loves me. After long waits for both of us, love has come quickly. And because I love him so much, I am happy he has this chance to visit new countries. I want him to have a fabulous time, even though we are not together now.

I rescheduled one of my appointments so I could drop by his home late this morning while he packed. I never knew how interesting it could be to hear someone describe how he packed and watch him move about the room as he gathered his carry-on items. We caught a quick-lunch together. I love watching him position his food on his fork.

I wanted to those extra couple of hours in his presence. He was so happy I was able to rearrange my schedule. He likes looking at me – my eyes and my expressions when he says something (often outlandish :) ) that makes me grin.

He says I have not grinned enough in my life. He is doing his best to remedy the situation. In one of our chats a few days ago he said, “You really have no idea how handsome you are, do you?” I think he needs his eyes checked. I think he is beautiful.

I am happy. I am so happy. I am fifty-seven. I am in love. I wondered if I would ever say those words. I thought I would never say those words. I feel so blessed.

 

 

Postscript: Thinking About Where I Fit In With Spirituality and Churches

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It has been around a week since I posted Thinking About Where I Fit In with Spirituality and Churches.  It became one of my most read and shared posts.  What surprised me were the number of comments I received directly rather than on the blog post.

I get most of my feedback from gay current and former Mormons.  The most surprising observation was the amount of angst felt by those who, for now, have decided to stay celibate.  I am not sure why that surprised me since it was the decision I made years ago.  I seriously doubt that I would have changed my decision if I had not received the premonition last spring.  I will repeat that I was terrified when I received the premonition to come out, resign from the Mormon church, and look for a gay partner.  I will also say that coming out, resigning from the church, and finding the man who I love has been far more wonderful than I ever imagined.

I also get frequent feedback from non Mormons (except most of my Baptist friends) and inactive Mormons.  They recognize the amount of thought and courage that brought me to where I am currently in life.  They are very supportive and happy for my guy and me.  I don’t see many of these people in person, but I have felt their support since I first came out.

I do not get a lot of feedback from active Mormons or active Baptists to my gay-related posts.  I think most people ignore the posts.  I expect that a lot of my posts are buried in their news feeds given time zone differences.  Early on some the Facebook friends unfriended me.  I don’t see much of that happening now based on the count of my Facebook friends.

I really appreciated the comments on last week’s post from one of my active Mormon friends.  We have not met often in person, but she is the mother of one of my relatives through marriage.  We see a lot of each other’s posts on Facebook.  She very respectfully included the suggestion to “not throw the baby out with the bath water” as it related to Mormonism and me.  I think she was saying to remember and not abandon the good things I saw in the church.

I do see good in the church.  The good I see is not unique or restricted to Mormonism.  Some examples I see are family unity, doing an honest day’s work, being organized, and listening to beautiful music.  My guy has been surprised at the prominent role music played in Mormon history and in my life personally.  Music is what brought us together since we met through the gay men’s chorus.

Again, I really appreciate that she took the time to comment.  I wish more active Mormons and active Baptists would join the conversation.  I know the discussions can be awkward.  I think they build understanding between the straight and gay worlds.

Another Affirmation event was held in Washington D.C. this weekend.  I wanted to attend the dinner with my guy.  I suspected that would not work out since my son and his partner were in town so I did not contact the host.  The ice storm that kept me inside most of the past two days and my guy’s sickness made it impossible to attend the dinner.

If I had attended it would have cost around $600 for pet care, transportation, and lodging, with pet care being the largest expense.  It is not cost-effective to spend that much money for a couple of hours to meet with some gay Mormons.  I have to watch the money carefully.  I have not posted much on my blog, but I am having more problems with my back and surgery is a possible option.

I have appreciated the posts on No More Strangers.  I have been disappointed by what I consider the argumentative nature of some of the comments.  If people hate Mormonism and the institutional church so much why don’t they just walk away?  I realize that is hard to do if you live in Utah.  It just seems like some people have to argue for the sake of arguing.  I have limited time and resources, though.  The arguing makes it less likely that I will support some initiatives either with my time or money.  Frankly, it stung to be criticized by gay former Mormons last summer while working behind the scenes and financially supporting Mormons marching in pride parades.

I feel at peace that where I am with spirituality and churches.  I continue to be aware of what is being said from church headquarters about LGBTQ issues so I will know what my active family and friends are hearing.  I continue to take part with my guy in his church when I am able, based on time and travel.  I continue to learn more about my guy and how he feels about spirituality and church participation.

This is an important time in our relationship.  We have some challenges.  I think working through the challenges and continuing to get to know each other is the place to focus now.  It takes time to get to know each other.  The time we have been apart due to illness and weather just confirms for me how much I love him.

 

Ten Blog Posts of 2012

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Not necessarily a top ten list, but ten of my blog posts that I liked or surprised me or are memorable for some other reason

Most Read:  Living a B Flat Life in a Middle C World - the coming out post for my closest family and friends

Most Surprising Lots of Reads:  Happy Birthday Dad – A Tribute - my nephew referenced it on Facebook and in his blog which resulted in a lot of shares

Most Commented:  A Chicken Sandwich with a Side of Zoloft - my first reaction to the Chick-fil-A crap

Most Difficult to Write:  Let God Be My Judge – Depression and Suicide - my second reaction to the Chick-fil-A crap – there had been thousands of mornings when I would have rather been dead than gay, but this was the only day I wanted to do something about it

Most Surprised That I Wrote:  Coming Out to High School Friends and Others - I had decided against coming out on Facebook, but changed my mind the weekend with the most Mormon contingents marching in Pride Parades  (transferred from Facebook to my blog after the parades)

Lots of Facebook Reads but not Many Blog Reads:  A Pioneer Day Tribute - another one posted to Facebook and then transferred to my blog – memorable to me because of some people who outed themselves as allies to me – posted when there were not many readers of my blog, so I am putting it here because it is one of my favorites

My Snarkiest Post:  My Gay Agenda (July 26, 2012) - I don’t have much snark on my blog and this is not a typical day since I had just returned from a trip

I Wish People Would Think About This:  The Boy Scouts of America and Me - some things to consider in light of the BSA’s anti-gay policies

A Post I Wish More People Would Read:  A Few Hours on the Blue Ridge Parkway - it is a quick read, has some nice photos, and has a little lesson that is good for me to re-learn

“I Can’t Believe You Posted That” Post:  My Top 5 Favorite Lip Synch Videos - eye-candy and light topics - not typically seen on my blog

 

 

Different Does Not Mean Defective

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This is probably my last post about mormonsandgays.org.  Here are my first and second posts.

A lot of people have posted a lot of comments in a lot of different forums, blogs, videos, and letters.  The best explanation of how I felt was from a writer who said he did not need the church’s sympathy or concern to be happy.  He was happy with his partner.  He would be happier if the church would stay out of his business and let him marry his partner in a civil ceremony.  He would be happier if he did not have to come out as gay, just as straight people do not have to come out as straight.

I have a hard time believing that being gay is a defect.  Hence, I do not believe that the gay will be resurrected away, which is the current stance stated on the church’s website.  Prior stances were isolate/excommunicate away the gay, shock away the gay, and marry away the gay.  None of those worked in getting rid of the gay.  I think it is a stretch to expect people to live lonely lives on the premise that they will no longer be gay after the resurrection.

There are too many good attributes – such as sensitivity and creativity – associated with gay people.  I do not see how being sensitive or creative is a defect.

One of the most stupid comments I saw said since there are few gays – probably around five percent - that being gay is obviously wrong.  My brother graduated summa cum laud, which was the top one percent at his university.  I graduated magna cum laud, which was the next three percent.  No one told either one of us that we were defective for being in the top four percent of our graduating classes.

I believe in a loving God.  I do not think a loving God would send any group of people – blacks, women, other minorities, gays – to earth to be looked down upon by religions, yet that is exactly what has happened.  I think a lot of people will have some explaining to do on why they used religion and scriptures to hurt people who were different from themselves.

There is a lot of drama among gays.  We have so many people in the straight world fighting against us.  I do not understand why we have this need to fight among ourselves.  But if we have spent a major part of our lives fighting against the world it may be hard to stop fighting until we realize that we do not have to fight everything.

I want to live my life – that’s it – plain and simple.  I want people to stop wondering what my partner and I may or may not be doing.  I do not recall ever speculating, when introduced to a new straight couple, about their intimate lives.  I want that same respect.  If my partner and I decide we want to get married, I want the same blessings, privileges, rights, and responsibilities as married straight couples.

Different does not mean defective.  Different means variety.  Interestingly, it goes back to my original coming out post and my friend who said a song would be boring if the only note was Middle C.  That is how I feel about the world.  It would be boring if all people were straight.

 

Ten Plus Questions About My Gay Journey

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These are some questions I asked in a Facebook group two to three months after I started coming out.

Question #1. Is being totally out a detriment to finding a partner?

There was a discussion in another group on how people defined being “totally out.” Some of my thoughts include indicating who you are interested in on your Facebook profile, letting acquaintances know that you have come out when you run into them out in public, being seen in public with other people who are out, etc.

Answer:  Several friends say most gays locally are not out and are hesitant to date someone who is out. 

Question #2. What, if anything, do you wish you had done differently in your journey of accepting yourself?

Answer:  I did not have an answer for this question.  My journey was still new.

Questions #3.  Did you change your appearance after coming out – clothes, hair, etc – and if so, why?

Answer:  My only change since coming out is showing a bit more skin like I did before I went to the temple and wore garments. I am happy at this point. Self-acceptance of how I look has been a challenge almost all of my life. There was a short period late in high school and early in college when male and female friends said they liked the way I dressed and my smile. I had another phase in my late 20s when I though that I looked fine.

The biggest changes I would like to make are to lose some weight and to smile more. I don’t have a naturally smiley face. I have always been serious. I have smiled more since coming out.

Question #4. Did you change your behavior after coming out? How & why?

Answer:  I became politically active in supporting marriage equality. I joined the board of the Triad Pride Men’s chorus. I am attending more community arts events. I resigned from the church after 15 years of inactivity. I feel a lot better, but much of that relates to taking early retirement.

Question #5: Are or were you the first GLBT person who your family and/or closest friends know?

Answer:  I am the first gay who most of my closest friends in North Carolina know. Most of my Utah family and friends already have friends, family, or co-workers who they admire who are gay. My coming out has been a bigger surprise in NC.

Question #6. Do you think Salt Lake City is gay friendly? Why or why not?

Answer:  I think it is based on three recent visits. Each time I saw several gay and lesbian couples holding hands in primarily straight environments (stores, restaurants, This is the Place Monument, etc.) without seeing any negative reactions. Some friends in NC are not comfortable holding hands even in some of the state’s largest cities.

Question #7. How does being gay make you a better person? Rephrased, what do you think you give to the world by being gay that you most likely wound not give if you were straight?

The background for the question was two separate conversations in which people told me they felt they contributed more to society as gay people than they would have contributed as straight people. My original question should have made that clarification. I was trying to see if others felt they were better as gay people than they would have been as straight people because I was having a hard time understanding the positions of the two people in spite of some lengthy discussion. The question was not intended to imply that gay people were better than straight people.

Answer:  My first responses is what my counselor said about me being “uncharacteristically sensitive and considerate.” I also think I see the world differently and offer some additional perspective that most people miss.

Question #8 (a series about blogging)

8-a. Why do you blog?
8-b. Do you blog in “real-time” (posting current thoughts immediately as they happen, in “tape delay” (waiting a few days or weeks before posting), or both – and why?
8-c. If you stopped blogging, why?

Answers:
8-a. I blog mainly for myself because writing things down helps me to understand my journey. It also helps to document my journey. I don’t think my blog has much of an impact for others. It is new and not widely read, which is fine with me. I use the blog for my gay advocacy. It gives me a chance to explain more fully my thoughts. I don’t use my personal timeline on Facebook much for gay advocacy. I view my blog as the “full service restaurant” and my Facebook timeline as the “fast food restaurant.”
8-b. My blog is a blend of “real-time” and “tape delayed.” I wrote several posts and waited a day to two before making them public. In each case I saw edits that were needed to clarify what I was saying.
8-c. I have not stopped blogging so these are things that would make me stop in the future: if the blog disrupts my personal life too much; if I feel my blog is damaging my relationship with others with whom I want to maintain a relationship; if I feel I don’t have any more to say;

Question #9.  I saw several blog posts in which gay people said that other people knew they were gay, often before the person came out and in a few cases even before the person realized they were gay. A number of people told me they already knew I was gay when I finally came out. A few offered some explanation, but most did not.

If people you came out to said they already knew you were gay, what reasons did they offer?

Answer:  The few reasons I got were my interest in history, photography, and pets, lack of dating after my divorce, plus the fact that I once owned a RAV4 and two Toyota Solaras.

Question #10.  Do you feel being gay and coming out had any impact on your education, career, etc? Why or why not?

I met a person last week who was forced out of his job with no explanation when a new boss was hired.

I felt like I was in a daze much of the eight months after my divorce and coming to the realization I was gay. I still did my job, but there were times when I got second or third opinions before making decisions or signing contracts just to make sure I understood everything. My boss and co-workers attributed all of that to the divorce since I did not come out.

Coming out has slowed the progress of my second career in writing. It has only been the past month that I resumed writing, but it is mostly for my blog and for myself. It has helped that I am finally meeting gay people where I live.

As strange as I feel being as old as I am, this is finally the time for me to come out. I don’t think I could have done so when I was working the hours of my former job or going through the immense stress the last few years of that job.

I realize much of the anxiety I’ve felt about coming out is self-imposed. Most of the people in my circle have been willing to look past any doctrinal issues of their religions (Mormon, Baptist, Methodist primarily) and the ones who have not are still giving me my space by not flooding me with their opinions.

I realized when I divorced that there was no good way to end a marriage, but there were ways that were less harmful. Given society’s current opinions about gays there is not a good way for many of us to come out. I’m trying to use the less harmful approach and, for the most part, it seems to be working.

Two questions without numbers:

Do any of the other LGBTQ parents in this group have LGBTQ children?
Do any of the LGBTQ members of the group have LGBTQ parents?

Answer:  I get lots of interesting reaction when people learn my son and I are gay

The questions were asked over a four-week period. These responses are three to four months old.  I may come back in a few months to see what updates or changes I have made on my journey.

 

My Parents/This Home Place

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I never came out to my parents. I felt there was no need to upset them since I decided shortly after learning I was gay that I would remain single and not look for a companion. I felt a lot of angst when I received the premonition last March that I should have a male partner. A lot of the angst dealt with how my parents would feel. I felt my parents were watching me as I prepared to come out. I had no idea if they approved or disapproved.

I had already scheduled a two-week trip to Utah when I had the premonition. The first week was in Wasatch, Salt Lake, Davis, and Weber Counties. I made reservations in Vernal for a couple of nights. The last few days would be spent in central Utah.  I decided against driving to southern Utah. I changed my mind near the end of my vacation, and decided to spend one night inside Bryce Canyon National Park.

My parents were married during World War II. Money was tight so they did not have a honeymoon. After the war ended and Dad was discharged, Mom’s boss in Louisville, Kentucky gave Mom a bonus and told her that some of the money should be spent on a honeymoon. They had professional portraits made with some of the money while they were in Louisville.

I made this collage a few years ago using the Louisville photos of Dad and Mom in their mid twenties and my passport photo at age nineteen so I would have something that showed what we looked like at similar ages.

Dad and Mom decided to use the rest of her bonus money on a driving tour of Bryce Canyon and Zion National Parks.  They stayed in the log cabins within each park.

When I checked into my cabin at Bryce last spring, I had a strong feeling that Dad and Mom were watching me.  I believe there are thirty-nine cabins that date to the last 1920s.  They were built by the Union Pacific Railroad, which put in a rail line to bring visitors to Bryce.  The cabins were turned over to the Park Service in the 1930s after Bryce Canyon was designated a national park.  I have no idea which cabin my parents stayed in, but I felt they were with me each time I walked around this area.

I walked to the canyon and sat on this bench. I did a little hiking, had dinner at the lodge, and shot some photos at sundown.

Around 10:00 p.m., when it was black with only a few stars in the sky, I walked back out to the canyon and sat on the bench. Once again I felt Dad and Mom’s presence, but this time their thoughts came into my mind. Dad said, “I don’t understand why you are gay, but I love you.” Mom said, “I love you and I support your decision to look for a partner.”

I have felt Dad’s presence a few times since his death. I have felt Mom’s presence a few times since her death. This was the first time I had felt their presence together.

Yesterday’s post mentioned that it has been two and one-half years since Mom died. The tenth anniversary of Dad’s passing is later this month.

Cody’s postings about the decisions he and his family are having to make as their mother’s health declines has brought back so many memories of the last few years of Mom’s life, plus recollections of Dad as I have learned more about him through his work papers that I received after Mom died. During those times I periodically posted a few photos and captions to my photo site.

My nephew, who has blogged for a long time, suggested that I should blog but I did not feel I had the time to keep up both a photo site and a blog. I have let the photo site slide lately while I have focused on the blog.

I am transferring some of my blog-like postings from my photo site to my blog. The following entry was written in 2007 on the fifth anniversary of Dad’s passing and a week before Mom moved into assisted living.

This Home Place

This place in Bountiful, Utah has been home for my parents the longest of any of the places they lived.  It is filled with over 40 years of memories

These photos taken in 1968 & 1971 represent some of my fondest memories.  They also reflect my parents personalities:

  1. Their love of a yard with flowers, trees, and a well manicured lawn.
  2. Looking from their balcony at the sunsets over the Great Salt Lake.
  3. Watching “MASH” on Sunday evenings in the Family Room.
  4. Visiting with friends & family in the Living Room.
  5. Growing up with our Siamese cat.
  6. Mom’s handicraft, whether it was the needlepoint chair seats in the Living Room or the bedspread that she made for my parents’ room.

As my parents aged both said their final wish would be to die in this home.  Dad died in the living room five years ago today.

Due to her health, Mom will be moving next week into an assisted living home.  She is moving from the city where she was born & has lived for over 80 years to be closer to my sister & brother and their families.

It is a decision she has made after a lot of thought and prayer.  She knows it is the right decision.  She is looking forward to making a new life for herself in her new home.

I have lived in over 20 places, and have not had the attachment to any of them that my parents had for this home.  As I’ve thought about the fact that I will no longer be going “home” when I visit Mom, it’s brought back a lot of memories and a few tears.

As much as I will miss this place, and as much as I feel a sense of loss, I’m thankful that Mom has all of her intellectual faculties, had the choice of a number of options, and has chosen the option that is best for her.

Mom – I love you. Dad – I miss you.

I am, and will forever be, thankful that you are my parents.

Recurring MoHo Blog Themes – When Did I Know I Was Gay? – Part 8 – Mansex, Then Decisions

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(This post would probably be rated PG or PG-13 if it was a movie.)

J and I met four more times.

Did we have sex?  ”Yes” according to some definitions and “No” according to other definitions.  That may remind you of the Clinton and Lewinsky investigation.

When did I feel we had sex?  On the fourth visit when the pants came off.

Was it good?  I thought it was wonderful.  He said it was exquisite.

Did it last?  No.  The sixth visit started out well, but changed with a phone call.

Who ended the relationship?  J.

Did he say why?  No.  I have some ideas, but he did not tell me why he ended the relationship.

Did you have sex with other men?  No.  I met two other guys.  I ended one dinner at the start when the guy admitted he was married.  The third guy and I had dinner but did not feel any attraction to each other.  (This is a correction from the shorter version of my story, which I corrected today.  I forgot about meeting the third guy when I wrote that post but remembered it while writing this series.)

Why did you decide to stop meeting men for sex?  I was not ready to come out.  I was not interested in casual sex.  I wanted an emotional relationship if I was going to have sex.  I wanted it to move from having sex to making love.

Most importantly, I felt the emotional pain after experiencing such wonderful feelings at first was too great.   The more I mourned the loss of the two weeks with J, the more I felt I could not go through that experience again.

I decided it was better to live with no partner rather than run the risk of experiencing such great pain again.  I retreated back into my solitary personality and set out to live a good life with friends and family, but no companion.

I was solitary.  I was single.  I would be celibate.

My son came out to me a few weeks after J ended our relationship.  I was happy for my son because I knew how wonderful being gay could be.  I was concerned and hoped he would not experience rejection.  I did not come out to him till a year later.  He had some ups and downs, and I felt it would be good for him to know that he had a gay dad.

I came out to my brother.  I asked him to keep it confidential.  I did not come out to my parents or other siblings.  I was solitary.  I was single.  I would be celibate.

I had “come out” to my parents as being inactive in church when I divorced.  Dad noticed I was not wearing garments during one of our earlier trips to Utah.  He was disappointed but he said it was my decision and I would have to answer for the consequences.

Mom had a much harder time accepting my decision to go inactive.  Each trip to Utah, while enjoyable, had at least one lecture/testimony session that lasted anywhere from half an hour to several hours.  Mom’s message was constant:  “Move back to Utah.  Get active in the church.  Find a woman you love and marry her in the temple.”  I thanked her for her concern, deflected her instructions, and stayed in North Carolina, inactive, and unmarried.

These conversations started before I knew I was gay, but most of them came after my experience with J.  I did not mind Mom bearing her testimony to me.  The requests to come back to the church and marry a woman in the temple, though, migrated into harping.

The worst discussion came a few months after Dad passed away.  It went on for so long and was so intense that I could no longer deflect what she was saying.  I told her that I loved her dearly and I hoped she would always know that, and I appreciated all she had sacrificed in having me, but I was an adult and where I lived, my religious life, and my marital status were my decisions and I expected her to respect my decisions.

She started in again on, “Move back to Utah.  Get active in the church.  Find a woman you love and marry her in the temple.”

I looked at  Mom and said, “I don’t need a woman.”

She said, “Oh.”  I don’t know if she realized what I was saying.  That was as close as I came to coming out to her as gay.

She resumed with, “Then, move back to Utah.  Get active in the church.”

I interrupted her, which rarely ever happened, and said, “Mom, I love you, but if these conversations continue, this will be my last trip to Utah.”  She stopped and we changed the subject.

I was contacted through my photo site later at different times by two women who were interested in a relationship.  The first woman ended the conversations and I broke off the contact with the second woman.  Neither prospective relationship progressed to the point of actually meeting.

I was solitary.  I was single.  I would be celibate.

I made a several trips to Utah as Mom’s health declined.  The visits were sweet but hard at times.  We knew at the last visit that we would not see each other again on earth.  She bore her sweet, deep testimony to me, but did not ask me to return to Utah or the church, or to marry in the temple.  I loved and appreciated her testimony.  I was glad it brought her such comfort.  I realized, though, that some of what brought her comfort had brought me much pain.

My job had always been demanding.  It was probably better to not have a relationship due to the increasing stresses of that work.  My co-workers feared I would have a heart attack and die alone as I worked late in the evenings.  I reached a point where I knew I could not go on at that pace with such stress indefinitely.

I had a small reserve plus a small pension.  I called my son and said, “We have a choice.  I can either continue working and die sometime soon.  You will have a nice inheritance.  Or I can retire and spend your inheritance.  Which do you prefer?”

He replied, “That’s a stupid question.  You know I would waste the money.  I think you should retire.”

(The above conversation is not as ridiculous as it may seem.  A co-worker who was over thirty years younger than me died of a heart attack several months after I retired.)

Around the time of the above phone call, a former high school classmate contacted me.  She was living in Utah.  We chatted. Our conversations came naturally. We were having a nice time.

I realized we were starting to get closer to each other, even though we were over 2,000 miles apart.  I thought back on my former wife.  I had loved her, but I could never fully emotionally connect with her.  I did not feel that I could go through that experience again, and I could not put another woman through that experience.  I pulled back.

Retirement came.  I went on a nice trip to Hilton Head.  Mid sixties temperatures in January are especially nice when one recalls the twenties and teens I lived with out west.

I was solitary.  I was single.  I would be celibate.

And then, the most traumatic experience I had since my divorce came in the form of a premonition late one March evening.  I had premonitions a few times before – those times when a thought came totally unexpectedly and unplanned to my mind.  Each time I followed those earlier premonitions.  Each time the decision was right.

I live with five rescue cats and two rescue dogs.  They are not all compatible.  The dogs don’t mix with the cats.  The home is large enough that the one cat who does not care for most of the other cats has her own space.  The only time when all five cats are together is at night before I go to bed.  I sit on the floor and they gather around for some final petting, rubbing, and sniffing (them – not me).

As I stroked the back of a black and white former feral while a deaf white long hair rubbed his chin against my other hand, the following spoke clearly and forcefully to my mind:

“Dean, you should have a partner, a companion, and it should be a man.”

I gasped and I felt my heart drop.  I spoke out loud and said, “No, God.  Don’t make me do this.”

The voice came back and said, “Dean, you are not supposed to be alone.  You should have a partner.  It should be a man.”  That was followed by two more directives:  “You need to come out as gay.  You need to formally resign from the church.”

I begged again, “Please God, don’t make me do this.  I can’t do this.”  The voice did not come back again.  The messages were delivered.  The spirit had moved on.

I did not sleep that evening, or the next, or the next.  I did not know where to turn to, especially where I lived.  The debate before the vote on NC’s Marriage Amendment (Amendment 1) was in full swing.  It was filled with lots of hatred being spewed by a few of the amendment’s supporters, most originating from local churches.  I could not find any gay resources for my county.

I remembered seeing articles in the Internet editions of the Salt Lake newspapers about a support group for former and current gay Mormons.  I did a search for “gay Mormons” and found the site for Affirmation.  It had a plethora of links and excellent information, but there was nothing for the person who was coming out in their mid fifties.

I found some sites for gay former Mormons who hated the church.  I did not hate the church, but it was not relevent to me.  I found other sites of gay Mormons who were trying to change the church.  Those did not apply to me either.  I had nothing to do with the church for fifteen years.  I felt I had no right to try to be an agent of change for the church.

I haphazardly worked my way through a number of blogs (but I did not find the MoHo Directory).  I got frustrated.  There seemed to be a split.  Half were obsessed with hating the Mormon church.  Half were adamant on supporting the church’s position.  Almost all focused solely on gay issues.  I wondered if “gay” was the only identity that some of the blog writers felt.

I went back to the Affirmation site and saw their list of blogs.  I clicked through and saw that I had found some but not all the blogs.  I think it was after 1:00 a.m. and I was past ready to go to sleep, but I decided to click on the last link, Boy Meets Blog.

I liked the guy’s writing style.  I liked the variety of his entries.  It looked like he was living a full life and that being gay was a significant factor but not the only thing about his life.  I read a few posts each day for a week or two.  I finally wrote a message to send to the guy, but I was a little concerned.  His blog had some photos and it was obvious he was a lot younger than me.  I did not want to come across as some old guy going after the young stud.

I finally sent the message to him.  The gist was, “I’m probably not your intended demographic, but your blog has been the most helpful thing for me as I prepare to come out.”  I gave a short background.  I continued my search for other resources.

I was shocked to receive a reply from the guy, J. Seth Anderson.  It was so kind.  It was so warm.  I wrote back, sent a Facebook friend request, and we continued more correspondence.

One of Seth’s blogs led me to this video from Michael.  It was a quietly powerful video.  The part the resonated the most was when told about realizing that he was not fulfilling the measure of his creation by trying to change himself from being gay.

I had thought writing the resignation letter to the church would be easy, but I found I could not write the letter.  My mother had told me the story of her faith in a promise in her Patriarchal Blessing that led to my birth.  I was indifferent to the church, but not indifferent to the pain that I thought my Mother would feel with my resignation.  I wrote about an experience here that confirmed for me that my parents still loved me, but I could not write the letter.

There was a lull in my journey.  I took a scheduled trip to Utah.  It was great to see family and friends and visit new and favorite sites.  I told the one sibling who I had come out to years earlier that I would be coming out and looking for a partner, but I did not tell any other people.  I was not ready to talk to most people.  I still had to figure out why it took me so long to realize I was gay.

I had one regret about the timing of the Utah trip.  A Mormon Stories “Circling the Wagons” conference was held in Washington D. C. while I was out west.  I found videos from a 2011 conference in Salt Lake and started watching those videos.  A comment from Carol Lynn Pearson did not answer why it took me so long, but I realized coming out now was a blessing compared to what I would have experienced if I had recognized I was gay and come out in the 1970s or 1980s.

I felt I was moving along in a mostly forward direction, but I still could not bring myself to write my resignation letter to the church.  I had a short phone call with Seth and he helped me realize that my resignation would share a parallel with my divorce.  I did not want my marriage to end, but I knew it was the right decision.  I did not want to resign even though I was inactive, but I knew resigning was the right decision.

I started coming out to a few people in person and over the phone.  I contacted around thirty people, evenly split between friends and family out west and friends in North Carolina.  Every conversation was difficult for me, but I experienced love instead of rejection.

In the midst of coming out I saw that Mormon Stories posted three Benji Schwimmer videos.  I had not watch television for years.  I had no idea who he was but read he was a dancer.  I could not figure out what I would learn from a dancer, but I saw a comment that said his coming out story was powerful.  I decided to watch the third video first since the caption said it talked about his coming out.  Part way into the interview but well before he talked about his decision to resign from the church, I felt a calm, peaceful confirmation.  It was time to write the letter.  I wrote it when the video ended and mailed it that afternoon.

My gay journey continued to move forward, but much of the rest of my life was on hold.  I had written a draft of a novel before coming out and sent it to a professional editor.  It came back with lots of compliments and suggested edits.  I understood what the editor was saying but each time I pulled out the draft to make the changes my mind went blank.

I had another draft for a book on recollections.  It needed a lot of polishing before it would be ready to go to the editor.  I could not work on it, either.

I spent a major part of three months working in the background for some of the groups organizing Mormon marchers in Pride Parades and was fully functional on those assignments, but I could not focus on kick starting my professional writing career.  I was also getting frustrated because I had not met anyone to date.

I had an unscheduled trip to Utah for a funeral.  I had some very powerful and reassuring experiences on the trip that I wrote about here.  I started writing more regularly for my blog.  I finally started meeting gay people in neighboring counties when I became involved with a gay men’s chorus.

I told small parts of my story to some people, larger parts of my story to a few people, but had not told the fuller version of my story to anyone.  I had thought earlier about telling it as a Gay Mormon Stories interview, but I don’t think I am ready for that.

One person who knew more about my story said it was probably too long to cover in an hour-long interview.  The unspoken implication was that it was so long because I was so old, but it was a mutual inside joke.  He was older than me when he came out to his family.

I sat down the other week and started writing my story.  I felt it was time.  I did not know how long it would take, and it is a lot longer than I expected it to be.  I had four reasons for writing this series:

  • It helped me understand the role that a few significant events during my teens had on delaying my realization that I was gay.
  • I think the stories of ordinary people can help other people with their own stories.  My story is a niche story that most people will not relate to, but there may be parts of the story that can help other people as they decide how to live their lives.  I doubt Seth Anderson, Michael Ferguson, or Benji Schwimmer thought something they said or wrote would help an older person, but they played key roles in helping me understand my story.  Carol Lynn Pearson has a unique story, but she has helped thousands of people even though their stories were different.
  • I found next to nothing to help the older person, like me, who is coming out or dealing with being gay.  People who are in their mid or late life are still committing suicide because of unsound ideas taught by churches and society that gay is a verb – a decision or action.  Gay people need support at all stages of life.  I hope my story raises that awareness.
  • A lot of the religious background of my story applies to other religions that have similar teachings about and against gays as the Mormon church.  As a highly centralized religion, I think the Mormon church is farther along the road to understanding gay people than the Catholic church.  Less centralized Protestant religions vary from congregation to congregation, but I find the most hateful language often comes from these churches.

Friends ask how I am doing.  I have my good days.  I have my bad days.  I have not found anyone to date, but I have made some very good friends.

I am still not sure what I am looking for in a relationship.  I assumed after the premonition that I was looking for someone to have a committed, long-term sexually intimate life.

I realized something a few days ago.  Between scheduled trips, unscheduled trips, and day trips, I had spent around eight weeks driving to tourist sites this year.  I wanted to share those experiences with someone – a man.  I wanted to talk with someone – a man.  I wanted to hold and hug someone – a man.  I wanted to kiss and be kissed by someone – a man.  I day dreamed at times and fantasized on what it would be like to have a man with me as I visited those beautiful and interesting sites.  I am still trying to understand what kind of relationship I should have when I find a partner.

 

Writing Risk

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I belong to a writers group.  We meet each month to read our works, critique what we have written, and give suggestions and support.

I took two pieces to this month’s meeting.  I though both were well written, but they had different risk levels.  One piece about rescue cats was already published in the “I’m a Keeper” series on Best Friends site.  Best Friends is the largest no-kill animal rescue organization in the U.S.  It was a happy story.  It was a less risky story.

The other piece had both humor and drama.  There were some intense moments.  If I read that piece, I would out myself to my writers’ group even though that was not the intention of the second piece.  It was a high risk story.

I did not feel well when the meeting started.  I decided to only read the first piece.

Later, one of the other writer’s shared a short verse about what happens when your life is thrown off-center.  Coming out and getting involved with LGBTQ organizations has thrown my life off-center.  My professional writing suffered.  The past three months are a productivity wasteland.

I decided to read the second piece after hearing the off-center verse..  I looked down at the paper the whole time, which is not my style, never making eye conact with anyone.  I made it through.  The reactions were genuinely affirming.  I felt better after reading the second piece.

I am accustomed to financial risk – the greater the risk the greater the potential reward, but also the greater chance of failure.  I took the higher writing risk.  It paid off emotionally.  I feel good.